The subtle stains of karmic consequences.
What I thought was going to be a relaxing afternoon turned into a demonstration of anger, impatience and downright ugliness--all on my part. Its amazing what comes to the surface during a purification period. The disgusting part of purification is witnessing all the negativity rising to the surface that had been festering inside. Then it just pops like a boil, oozing blood and puss as it heals. This is the unpleasant side of relief. This is the actual repair process. The reconstruction of the image projected, surveying the damaged areas and assessing what needs to be done.
This afternoon I wanted to attend the closing ceremony of the Mystic Arts of Tibet Tour. I wanted some of the sand from the mandala, which was Chenrezig, the Buddha of Compassion. Due to the spring training crowd, there wasn't a single parking space to be found near the venue. I circled angrily for about 20 mins, narrowly missing a few spaces by seconds each time, which only fed my anger.
I went into some degenerating spiral of anger, circling around looking for a parking space. I was feeling very destructive. I had absolutely no patience for the clueless pedestrians and all the out-of-state drivers also looking for a parking spot. I even honked the horn at some woman who took too long at the light. I yelled at her and her out-of-state license plate. After I yelled at some people random people who told me to calm down, I caught myself and decided that all of this frustration and anger for some colored sand really wasn't worth it. I gave up and went home.
I'm doing this for some colored sand?
But the only thing I did give up on was continuing my horrible state of mind. In order not to harm myself or anyone else for that matter by my negativity, I went home. I basically put myself in timeout. When I made that decision, I calmed down and realized:
Blessings don't come from the sand...
...they come from the mind.
This fixation with the sand really didn't have anything to do with practice. When I evaluated it, it was just something to add to the altar. It was just going to be another 'thing' added to the pile of material attachments. From my actions today, it was quite clear that I didn't have a very compassionate attitude. Through introspection, my motivation was clearly out of a spiritual form of greed, a hunger for blessings and all things perceived to be holy.
I think there are times when we rely too greatly on exterior items, especially in the current internet-supermarket society of two-day shipping. Instant blessings directly to your door! Perhaps we have this idea that if we teak our altars just right, buy that one right book or have that one perfect image, we won't have to do much of the actual Dharma work.
The modern practice of 'empowerment collectors' would fall under the same category of spiritual greed. There is no substitute for doing the actual work of Buddhadharma. We seek comfort in being spiritually distracted all the time, ingesting videos, audio, dharma-related activities, traveling to this ceremony, got to get that extra blessing. No matter how many empowerments and blessings one receives, the real task of meditation and contemplation is the true fire that brings forth the fruits of attainment. Perhaps this is why Milarepa lived on nettles and wandered the land?
Grasping at sand with clenched fists,
forgetting what was learned.
Dirty hands can be washed,
The real lesson: impermanence.
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